Monday, August 5, 2013

7 Movies Not to Watch When You’re Pregnant

When your body is at work 24 hours a day creating another human, you’re going through a lot physically and mentally. But regardless of whether you’re spending this moment marveling at your lovely miracle or cursing the bladder-busting fetus, you’ll probably want to avoid movies that remind you that all this work and anticipation could be for naught. Go ahead and avoid these for the next few months (spoilers ahead).

 1.  Junebug (2005)
This delightful film follows two posh newlyweds on a visit to see the husband’s rural, North Carolina family. It features the most beautiful gospel singing you’ve ever heard and an adorable Amy Adams as the pregnant sister-in-law. She’ll break your heart when she says three words I hope none of us ever have to say: “He was blue.”

2. The Other Woman (2009)
Since this Natalie Portman drama is on Netflix Instant, I had a close call with this one recently. Thank goodness I thought to watch the trailer beforehand. Apparently the main conflict is Portman’s character getting over the death of her infant. Avoid!

3. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I don’t know for sure. I refuse to even watch the trailer. But it’s something about being pregnant with Satan's baby. You’re already having more vivid dreams. Might as well not get any more fucked-up fodder.

4. The Omen (1976)
Again, anything involving Beelzebub and your baby—just give all of that a wide berth (!!). No need for you to be worried about your baby getting switched at birth with the anti-Christ spawn of the Devil and a jackal. And then killing you when you figure it out.

5. Trainspotting (1996)
You probably don’t plan to take up heroin and let your baby die of neglect, but might as well not be exposed to the vision of the bloated baby corpse that skinny Ewan McGregor hallucinates is crawling on the ceiling when he’s detoxing.

6. We Need to Talk about Kevin (2011)
Do you ever worry that, instead of being a better version of you or Michael Phelps, your kid will be a rapist or murderer or libertarian? Well, here’s a movie that will make you worry that you’ll never bond with your child and he’ll become a soulless human who carriers out a Columbine-like massacre. I’ve never seen this, and I probably never will. The book plunged my partner into such a funk that we now look back on the few weeks it took him to finish it as one of the worst rough patches in our relationship.

7. Game of Thrones season three (2013)
It’s better than most movies, OK? You know I’m right. But please, don’t endure Joffrey’s deeper explorations of moral depravity and then get to the episode with the Red Wedding. You just really aren’t in the frame of mind to watch a pregnant woman be fatally, repeatedly stabbed in the belly. Or actually, there’s a bad birth thing in the first season too. Maybe don’t start watching this show right now. You might end up with a baby named Tyrion or Khaleesi.

I hope, for your sake, that you took my word on it and just glanced at the titles here. Now mamas, go wash your brain out with Singin’ in the Rain and Pitch Perfect.